Relationship Breakup|Getting Back Together 

The pain is overwhelming.

You've given it your all … you've begged … professed your undying love … and you've taken more than your share of the blame.  But it hasn't mattered.  In spite of it all, your relationship breakup is real, and you feel helpless.  You can barely endure the pain.

Even if it hasn't broken it off for good, you feel the end is inevitable.  You feel out of control - on a collision course with life and with each other.

Is it possible to seize control, or is the relationship so out of control that it is taking you down with it. Is getting back together an option, or must it end?  Do you know what you really want?

Your fears are overwhelming.

Contemplating the reality of the future without your partner is a sobering experience.  No longer do you have the luxury of ignoring problems, hoping they will go away.  No longer can you reside in a life full of doubt, anger, resentment, and desperation.  If your relationship - your life - is out of control, now is the time to take control - one way or the other.  You have no other choice.
Is there any hope ever for getting back together?

Yes, there is.

In fact, many relationships can be saved.  Not only saved, but strengthened.

It's time to act.  While a relationship breakup is a slow, painful process, the cure begins with you, and it must begin now.

So where do you start?  By being totally honest with yourself.  Let's bring that down to basics.

Step 1:  If you are to save your relationship you must first acknowledge the value of the relationship

Is your relationship fundamentally sound, or is it fundamentality unhealthy?

Fundamentally sound relationships are those where the partners share common values.  In a fundamentally sound relationship, differences can be resolved.  Conversely, in a fundamentally unhealthy relationship a couple's values are so diverse you must accept that rarely, if ever, can those conflicting values coexist.

Are your values compatible with one another or are your differences, your values, so incompatible that your relationship is little more than a source of conflict?  Do you respect your partner's values or are your differences insurmountable? 
Has the relationship become your identity, or do you envision your identity solely through your partner?  If you have lost your identity, how valuable is that relationship?

Step 2:  Are you trying too hard to convince yourself?

Too often we justify our differences by convincing ourselves that our partner will change, or that we can get them to change.  The fact of the matter is, while some change is healthy, when change becomes nothing more than denial it is decidedly unhealthy.

Healthy change emerges as people grow and mature.  In the process mindsets and goals can change.  The difference is that healthy relationships prosper with change as the partners themselves grow.  Quite simply, this growth is a measurement of mutual respect for one another, and for shared dreams.  Differences are resolved with compromise and understanding.  The change actually strengthens the relationship.

Change founded on denial exists when a couple's differences are rationalized rather than acknowledged.  Rationalization means trying to convince one's self that unacceptable behavior is, in fact acceptable and that with time the partner will change.

Unfortunately, rationalization is a cover-up for what is real.  When your partner's values conflict with your own values no matter how hard you try, or how intensely you seek to convince yourself otherwise, rarely, if ever, can those values be changed.

Aren't values, after all, a true reflection of a person? 

Step 3:  Is it in your best interest to save your relationship?

Is getting back together in the midst of a relationship breakup a reasonable alternative if your differences are intense? 

In order to answer that question, you need to determine if your best interests are served by the relationship.

When we love someone we are willing to overlook certain habits that we might find mildly irritating.  But what if those irritating traits run contrary to our own well being?  And what if a relationship is built not on trust but on control?  Are you afraid to communicate for fear of reprisal?  Are your mere attempts at communication creating serious conflict and resentment?

Can you count on your partner to be there for you in times of need?  Do you treat each other with respect?  Do you believe you are equals in terms of the relationship?  Can you discuss matters that are important to you?  Do you work together to attempt to resolve differences?

If you answered No to these questions, can those problems be resolved?

If your conflicts are based on misconceptions rather than on fundamental character and value differences, you probably can save your relationship.  That is, as long as there a willingness of both of you to challenge the resentment that divides you.

Conversely, allowing the problems to simmer - or if one partner is completely unwilling to seek a remedy - the future of your relationship is at risk, and a complete relationship breakup could be imminent.

Only you can decide if saving your relationship is beneficial to your needs.  If you honestly believe that through your actions, you can begin to work things out, go for it!  On the other hand, if you cannot escape the obvious - that the relationship is controlling, that you derive your sole identity through this relationship, and that you are losing yourself- is it to your benefit to save it?

One thing must be perfectly clear in your mind. 

You alone have the freedom to decide if you are prepared and committed to saving your relationship.  If you believe that saving your relationship is in your best interest, then your commitment to save it must be matched with the courage to accept the future - good or bad.

Accept that despite all your best efforts, some relationships cannot be saved.  There is always the possibility that your partner or your ex has absolutely no intention of reconciling.  No matter what your intentions, no matter what actions you take, if this is the case, you will not be successful in getting back together.  Sometimes, a relationship break up is inevitable.  You must accept this.  More importantly, you must accept defeat with dignity, and you must never allow circumstances out of your control to destroy you.

Take some private moments to brose our site and our blog.  We're here to support you and to provide you with the action plans that you need, no matter where life takes you. 

With my best regards … Kelly Bowman

For even more relationship help, including specific action plans, check out Kelly's blockbuster books ...

Getting Back Together - How To Help A Relationship That Is Worth Saving

Coping With A Breakup - How To Get Over A Broken Heart

How To End An Unhealthy Relationship That is Destroying Your Life - You Really Can Get Your Life Back