Getting Back Together ~ Moving Forward

Getting back together takes time and patience.  You and your ex both need the time to experience again the love that lingers, and likely each of you will discover it in your own separate ways.  You must be patient and confident that the emotions and the passions very often can be rekindled – but only in due course.

Your efforts must be genuine and unselfish.

Cast aside hidden agendas or ulterior motives.  Moving forward is not about desperation or loss of control, nor is it about impulsiveness.  To behave impulsively is for one partner to push themselves on the other in hopes of reconciliation.  When we push that which must come naturally, we become vulnerable.  Being vulnerable means losing control of the situation, risking your self respect, and defeating your best chances of getting back together.

Despite the conflict, the misunderstandings, and the pain, your decision to move forward must be focused on forgiveness, trust, and thoughtfulness.

You begin by defining your role in the relationship.

Have you behaved as you should, or have you let anger and resentment cloud your judgment?  What exactly is it that makes you so angry?  We tend not to face our angers directly.  More often than not, anger is a cover for something more.  Define precisely what it is that bother you so much about your relationship.  Is it possible that your anger is founded on misconceptions rather than on facts?

By examining your own reactions, rather than your partner's, you are exploring actions and behaviors that you can change.  You are placing yourself in a position to work towards getting back together by taking responsibility for your role in the future.  This is your first move from negative to positive action.

Identify your own needs.

Have you identified what you need and desire from this relationship?  Take charge of those needs.

How can your partner possibly satisfy your personal needs and desires if you haven't identified them yourself?

It is inherently unfair to shift responsibility for your needs to your partner if your partner has no idea what those needs are.

Next, you must encourage your partner to express his/her needs.  Accept that this might take some time.  You must first regain his/her trust.  You must start by professing genuine concern for your partner's needs and desires, and encouraging him/her to share them with you.

Shared responsibility

Relationship breakups often arise because partners lose sight of what is fundamental to their relationship.  You must reconnect with those fundamentals, and you must do so by encouraging honest communication with your partner.  Only then can you hope to persuade him/her to listen to you. 

A strong relationship compliments your personal needs, your partner's needs, and your common desires.  The key is - all must be communicated clearly. 

A relationship becomes problematic when a partner at least perceives that his/her personal needs and desires are not being met, and when that partner blames the other for the breakdown.  But is this fair?  Is your partner stifling your needs, or is it possible that he/she has no idea what those needs are?

Your challenge in getting back together is to gain enough trust so that the two of you can positively communicate.  In all likelihood, your partner will first need to see a benefit for himself/herself.  To answer that challenge, share how you have discovered a new sense of responsibility and respect, aimed not solely towards yourself, but towards the needs of your partner and your relationship.

Healthy relationships thrive on shared responsibility where each of the partners defines their own needs as well as the needs of each other. 

Shared responsibility is an expression of the accountability that the two of you must share in order to survive.  No doubt it is your best means for getting back together, and for motivating the two of you to move forward as a couple.

Show through your actions that you are committed to finding the balance to meet those responsibilities.

For even more relationship help, including specific action plans, check out Kellys Bowman's blockbuster book ...

Getting Back Together - How To Help A Relationship That Is Worth Saving